Going to Explode

This is very to the point and in your face, I am quite emotional right now and didn't know the flood gates were this close to bursting but they are so watch out.

I am a wreck, I feel like a horse chasing a fake carrot but I don't know it's fake and I won't give up. Our family is going to be going through a HUGE change yet we don't know when, where , for how long and what we are supposed to do in the mean time. We have been in this game for over a year now still there is no end in sight. Yet it is drawing eerily near, I can feel it in my bones. Tom could be getting the WHEN right now as I type this out. It is a HUGE elephant in my already very small 2 bed room house. I will be without my husband for at the least 3 months but more realistically 8 or 9. I have been alone at night with the boys on my own the total of ONE night in our ENTIRE marriage. And now we are talking 8 or 9 months starting within the next few months. I have turned into quite the CONTROL freak I am constantly wanting to organize or schedule things. I have NEVER been this bad and get very over whelmed at the drop of a hat. I get stressed about things such as who is going to babysit so I can keep my commitments and help out with this? How are we going to afford what will be like a part time nanny?

Who is going to MOW THE LAWN? Who will fix the car when it needs it? Who is going to deal with Micah when I have just had enough? Who is going to snuggle on the couch with Jonah late at night just because he can? Who is going to take Riah fishing? Who is going to help me with the bath times 3 when I am just to tired to get to it? Who is going to give me permission to order pizza when I've had a rough day?
Who is going to keep me within my budget so I don't cause us to be homeless by the time he comes back? Who will lock the door at night? and jump out of bed and out the front door with a wooden bat to check what that noise was? Or blast me out of bed in the morning when I keep ignoring the alarm clock? Who is going to chain the garbage can down so the bear doesn't come for a visit or switch the car-seats for me for the millionth time that week?  Or give me a 30 min nap in the middle of the day because my eyes just won't stay open?

And this is only THIS year and he will just be TRAINING and NOT at WAR I can't even imagine going through actual DEPLOYMENTS.

I already feel that I fail as a mom how can I be mom and dad?

He's not gone yet, yet part of him left a few months ago when he signed in. We spend less and less time together and have shorter fuses every day. And my house is still not COMPLETELY clean and organized so I am constantly stressed because I don't have enough hours in my day to clean and organize and make breakfast and get the boys to and from preschool and make a better lunch than peanut butter on bread and then make dinner and read stories and work on preschool books and play dinosaurs and pay bills and talk to  an adult and do the dishes that just keep coming no matter how many time I clean them or the laundry or every day keeping up. I spent 2 hours last night just organizing because I could, the boys were in bed I wouldn't be distracted. While Tom is busy trying to sell everything in sight because he's afraid I am going to kill our budget when he's gone and not here to keep tabs on me.

Will I be ok in Canon City my home for the last 4 years or do I really NEED to move closer to my mom and brother and sister in law and actually see my niece and nephews grow up. Can I stand on my two feet or am I foolish to even think about trying? Will all of those church ladies really step up and help? Will going to Life group just make me miss him that much more because everyone else has their spouse with them?

Will I actually keep making dinners or will the poor boys grow over tired of pb sandwiches and will I be transparent when he returns?

I have all of these plans and the way that I want things to work out with the timing of it all and how it should all work but I know that military doesn't necessarily agree with my PLANS nor God for that matter. I think I have it all figured out and then I get a curve ball that makes me throw all of my plans in the air with the fan on tossing them all over the place.

Will I find the RIGHT preschool and elementary schools when the time comes? Will I put Micah in school at the right time? Will my house EVER actually stay CLEANED and PICKED UP? I keep telling myself that if the house was bigger and we had more room than it would be easier to keep it nice. I forgot to remind myself that I have 3 little boys that like to disrupt my PLANS and toss toys here, there and everywhere ( sorry lots of Dr. Seuss lately) I want to keep this blog going so Tom can come back home and read it and not feel like he missed out. Will I ACTUALLY do it though? I don't have a very good track record.

So many questions without answers, at least I know that God is with me and will get me through this very unknown part of this BIG ADVENTURE... just please God not OVER SEAS YET!